My friend, Lara, for all the mindfucking things she could to me, this one really had me blown. She is getting married and I do not even have an idea that she had a serious boyfriend! Makes me want to strangle her for giving me a heart attack, at the same time hug her to bits because I am happy for her.
Makes me think back to my younger days, when all the dreams I had include marrying the man I love, have children, raising a family with him, and being happy together for the rest of our lives. Ain’t that sweet? When everything seems to barf rainbows and butterflies and your world can never be anything bad because you are in love. Nice scenario. Yes, I have has that phase in me when all I did was to be in this dream state, as if it is the only end goal of my life.
But love is not always rainbows and butterflies and cotton candies. Somewhere along the way, monsters would appear and try to rip your heart apart. Some survived, some do not. Apparently I lost the heart I held dear with my both hands.
That’s part of the cycle, you say. Yes, I do understand that, but after being in that cycle for a few times, the heart do gets tired too. Maybe it was broken badly the last time that it just wants to be left alone for a while. For a long while.
This is the first time I am writing about this, and I hope you don’t find me weird or I hope *crossing my fingers* I am not weirding myself out too. In the process of healing a broken heart before, I have learned to escape. Escape to the things new to me, escape to where the mem0ries of a lost love can never reach me, escape to trying out new stuff, escape escape escape. I just cannot let my heart get even scratched, no no no.
While escaping, I realised that there is much more out there in the world that I want to explore. There are dreams in my heart that I can reach. Some things that I can enjoy – just being single.
It is not that I do hate men; they just do not affect me the way they used to when I was younger. I am not a man hater, right? I had one crush a few years back and we were good friends (because his aunt finds me her favourite and she wanted me to hook up with him, oh my gawd!) and while ghost of rainbows and butterflies appeared, I knew that monsters were around too. You can never just have the good side. And I was right, he has a girl. But I was not hurt, really. My heart’s been buffered in a way.
I got girl friends who are getting paranoid of being older and loveless. I don’t. I am just making the most of whatever the day brings me, yeah, even with my rants. They are just stressing out themselves over something that one does not have any control over. I do not worry, I am just being happy and dream of the things I want to do: travel, learning new languages, read, write, indulge myself with my obsession over notebooks, pens, books, makeup and some other cutesy stuff. I let myself fangirl over these hot Korean men and not be ashamed of it because, heller! I am single. It is such a big turn off to see a mother of three squealing over a hot guy half her age – and size at times, haha! I do not think I can do these or some of these things if I were a married woman with kids. Maybe instead of thinking which pair of false lashes I am going to buy, I might be making major infant milk decisions. Instead of notebooks and pens, I am hovering over diapers and baby food. Not that those were bad things, I like buying baby stuff for my sister’s kids, but to do it out of obligation, argh. I am only obliged to my reads and pens.
Some think that single women are sad and lonely people. Well, I beg to differ. Now let’s go partaaaaaay!